Is Buhay Amerika all that?

There was a time in my life when I was desperate to live in America. At that time, I was awestruck at what life in America is all about. It was like a dream to me, as much as it was a dream to thousands and thousands of Filipinos out there. To a Filipino's viewpoint, living in America is like a dream: nice houses, nice cars, cool weather, lots of money, lots of opportunity, etc.

At times, I still find myself in that state of mind. At times, I'm still awestruck when I realize that I am now living in America. At times, I still find myself time-traveling to the past when I used to cherish every trip to America (in 1986, 1993, 1994, & 2000).

How special it was back then. I remember collecting items that remind me of the place. A Coke can that I felt cannot be found in the Philippines. A tissue paper from In-N-Out. A ticket from Disneyland. A stone lying in a tourist attraction such as the Golden Gate Bridge. Anything America. Heck, I even kept a pair of shoes that doesn't fit me anymore just because it stepped foot on US soil! And then, I could also distinctly recall the smell of my Aunt's garage, that musky yet pleasant smell you could only get in America, as well as a bunch of other odors associated with life in the US. Indeed, how special it was back then.

Now, there are times when I still smell those and it rekindles that past when I dreamed of living in America. How young I was back then! It makes me shake my head and smile wryly when I recall those images of my youth.

I think to myself: "Hah! Nandito na ako sa Amerika, kung saan pinangarap ng libo-libong Pilipino na tumira!" ("Hah! I'm now living in America, where thousands of Filipinos dream to live!")

I couldn't blame those thousands of Filipinos when they aspire to leave the Philippines in search for a "better future". I cannot blame those Filipinos who wait in long lines at the US Embassy in hopes of getting a visa just so that they could at least go "TNT" here. I cannot blame the nurses who leave or the doctors who try to be nurses instead just to be able to live here. I cannot blame those who jump at the chance to marry a US citizen even if there is no love just so that his/her spouse could file a petition allowing him/her to live here legally.

Everytime I get to see TV Patrol here on the international (asian) channel, it makes me sad to see what has become of the Philippines. The economy is in its worst. A crisis has been declared. Gas prices are rising. Government corruption is rampant. Crime happens every so often. Rallies are being staged frequently. It's like the Philippines is in one total chaos.

Whenever I tell my friends that I miss my life back in Manila, they always tell me this: "Maswerte ka nga at nandyan ka na sa Amerika eh. Diyan ka na lang, pare." ("You're lucky to be there in America. Stay there, dude.")

But life in America is not all that. It's not necessarily a dream come true. Lots of people do not see how lonely it is to be living away from your family and friends. People do not see how hard it is to change a lifestyle one has been used to. Back then, I used to have the luxury of having maids do all the cleaning and household stuff for me. Back then, I used to go out a lot with friends, have fun in Eastwood or Rockwell and then cap the night with drinks from Starbucks or hanging out in someone's house. Back then, I used to go out on dates a lot, cruise with her on a top down convertible, and then go to where the people my age go (Eastwood, Glorietta, or Rockwell).

Now, that is not the case. I had to learn doing household chores such as cooking, cleaning the dishes, vacuuming the house, mopping the floors, doing the laundry - all that household business. I have no nightlife anymore because there's no one else to go out with. I don't go out on dates anymore because there's no one to go out on dates with (I'm not really keen with ladies brought up here). And in place of all those hours I used to spend for fun, I now spend it on work. Work, work, work. If it's not work, it's a night alone at home, sitting in front of a computer rambling away on a blog such as this.

When it comes to the job I have right now, I am a bit hesitant and quite ashamed to confess to my friends what it is. It's definitely not a job a guy with a college degree would be doing but because I have no choice, I took it instead. I remember a time a few months ago when I almost got a "TNT" job cooking in some Pinoy restaurant's kitchen, just like Aga Muhlach's character in "Sana Maulit Muli". Kusinero na lang ako o kaya taga-hugas ng pinggan sa restaurant. ("I'm just a cook or a manual-labor dishwasher in some Filipino restaurant.") In the end, the Filipino owner just couldn't picture an Atenean with a college diploma doing that kind of work.

Despite my college degree, no one else would take me. It's either I'm overqualified or I lack experience. I guess I'm fortunate enough to say that I'm now working at Macy's, a high-class department store here in America. But still, my job is comparable to that of someone working at SM, also on minimum wage and no benefits. My batchmates, all on their way to being executives in companies in the Philippines, would just look at me and say: "Taga-benta ka lang ng damit?" ("You're just a clothes salesman?")

I guess my only reply to this would be that I'm earning way more than they do, but that's because I'm earning in US dollars. But when you look at the cost of living here in California, it doesn't compute. I'm barely able to live on my own with the kind of money I'm making. The only reason why I'm lucky to have a computer, a car, and a place to stay in is because my parents provided for it. Otherwise, I would be living a totally hard life, much harder than what I am having right now.

I'm not complaining about my life now. It's fine that I'm living the way I'm living right now. Maybe this is just the beginning. Maybe there's something big waiting for me out there in the future. I guess I just miss that old life I was used to. I miss my friends. I miss my convertible. I miss Eastwood, Glorietta, and Rockwell. I miss a great deal of my life in the past.

Oh well. At this point, there is no turning back. I have to continue living Buhay Amerika.