On aging, regression, moving on, and letting go

With my birthday coming up a few weeks from now, I cannot help but feel really old. I'm turning 23 this November but somehow, I'm still in denial that I am indeed growing old. My preference for clothes is one of the telltale signs that I am aging, aside from the fact that I frequently watch the news now, check the weather, or observe the political scene as I follow updates of the 2004 US Elections on a regular (daily) basis.

Lately, all the clothes I've bought from Macy's, where I work, have been long sleeve shirts, ties, dress pants, slacks, thin socks, etc. Goodbye to jeans, plain collared shirts, athletic socks, etc. Lately, it all has been those. I don't know if it's just me or am I really morphing into some individual whose sole direction in life is just to work, work, and work?

I don't know but somehow, I find myself desperately clinging on to the past, a past I've pretty much enjoyed, despite the heartbreaks, the ups-and-downs, and the seemingly unfair events that have shaped the kind of person that I am today. I still find myself longing for what I used to have.

Such is the case now that I'm on a regression mode. I now find myself enjoying things I enjoyed in my childhood, such as Super Mario 3, which I played back in the early 90s as a grade school boy. About a week or two ago, I bought this $109 Game Boy Advance just to be able to play it again.

A few days ago, at the mall, I stumbled upon a book similar to the ones I enjoyed as a child, a biography about sports stars and I got so hooked into it, I almost finished the book in just one sitting. I didn't buy the book (though it only costs a dollar) but the fact that I enjoyed reading it is a sign that I'm regressing to a stage in my life when I had most fun. In Psychology terms (Psych grad here!), regression is a defense mechanism that an individual may go through when one is stressed and it is characterized by the individual's regressing (backward) behavior to a stage in life where one had less stress. I guess this is similar to what I'm going through now.

Often times, I find myself reminiscing a lot. High school days. College days. The happier days. The bittersweet memories. Almost everything in my past. No wonder I normally find myself browsing through old journal entries or play songs reminiscent of a certain era or a certain someone (sometimes even both) just to distract myself from the reality that my life is different now. With those thoughts in mind, I still keep wishing that I could return to those days as I look back and sigh. But I guess none of those could ever change the reality that my life has indeed changed. It's not only because of the fact that I'm now living in America but also by the fact that I'm on another level now, a level far away from the previous one.

Even though I try, my whole being is reluctant to move on and yet there is no choice. How do you learn to let go of a past that involved hanging out with a lot of friends? Or a past where everywhere you look, there is a pretty girl in sight (in Ateneo, of course)? Or a past where you drove a top down convertible and was a part of society that frequents Eastwood, Rockwell, and Glorietta? Or a past where you were a somebody and not a nobody? Or a past where you were in the bright lights?

When I look at life then, life was good. It was THE LIFE. Back then, I didn't have to worry about unemployment. Back then, I didn't have to do everything on my own. Back then, life isn't as serious as it is now, where life, I feel, is just one long, boring road to death.

At this point, all I have are memories. Memories of a time where I'd give anything just so that I could relive them all. If only Doc Brown's time machine was for real...