On lovelife

So far, the current state of my lovelife is NON-EXISTENT. And I have a feeling it will remain this way until God-knows-when. For all I know, I might be destined to break a family record of 38 set by Uncle Kolas in 1998. That record, for your information, is the longest time one remained single before finally getting married.

When it comes to lovelife, I think I've heard it all and experienced it all. All the negative stuff, that is. I had a girlfriend once but that didn't last. It was just a high school thing and by the time she entered college, it was over. Since then, I haven't had anyone special to share my life and love with. I had a few close calls before in college but they just didn't materialize. It just wasn't meant to be. So I spent college as a single man, which is rare among athletes because jocks normally have someone special by their side, cheering them on as they play the sport.

I must own a horrible record when it comes to lovelife and I don't deny that. Based on the current trend (plus my own special and unique preference), I would probably still be single a decade from now. No, make that two decades from now. After all, I'm destined to break the record, right?

Nobody can blame me if I have become quite cynical with the notion of love. After all the heartbreaks I've gone through, who wouldn't? I don't believe in signs; I believe in making decisions. I don't believe in fate and destiny; I believe in making an effort to make things work. I don't believe in concept of "the one"; anyone can be "the one" when you make a firm and resolute decision making one person such. For me, it all boils down to making a choice. Like what I have picked up in Theology 131 before in college, love is a choice, love is a decision. You choose to love.

This brings me to my current situation now. Yes, I am in love. No, rather there is someone I love unconditionally and freely at this point in my life. However, it's a one-way thing and it seems like it will stay this way forever. I'm not sure how this will play out in the future but because of time (the lack and/or length of it) and distance (she is 6,978 miles away across the Pacific Ocean from me), it doesn't figure to have any spark of hope at all. Unless, of course, I return to Manila sometime in 2010 (after I become a US citizen) and try to make things work out.

Despite the seeming hopelessness in all this, why am I still madly loving this person? Despite the distance and despite the time apart, why am I still here for her when I could have gone around and looked for someone else? Despite the probability that she is in love with someone else, why am I still choosing to love her? Am I a HERO for being a martyr by continuing to love her despite the circumstances or am I an IDIOT being blind to the fact that it's just not possible?

I have long imagined a scenario wherein I do break that record and never get married because this girl I love decides to marry someone else. It's not a far-fetched idea, either, as the reality of it may seem evident a couple of years down the line (probably around 10 years or so). It must all be part of one big scheme of things designed to make me the unhappiest man on earth.

I used to look at the past life of my Uncle Kolas as something worth emulating. He lived in a two or three bedroom townhouse back then in Silver Springs, MD and drove a sporty car (both of which is similar to my situation right now) but he stayed on being single for over 15 years after college as he chugged along with life, working and working and working. He was a quiet guy; I don't think he was a party-goer at all so I imagine he didn't have much of a social life. He just wandered his life away, doing the same routine stuff everyday. I imagine myself doing the same thing as I go on with my life here in America. I imagine myself living alone for the next 15-20 years or so, with my sporty car, with that regular Monday to Friday job, with that non-existent social life, and everything else my Uncle went through. Sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Sadly, there is a chance I will be living this kind of life for the rest of my life. I might find myself wandering the streets of San Francisco, thinking about the what-ifs, the what-would-have-beens, the what-could-have-beens, and the what-should-have-beens. And most of all, I will be thinking about how this girl that I love is doing. Is she happy? Is she having fun? Is she living an okay life? All those questions that show that I still care.

Ah, well. The future isn't written and Nostradamus is dead. Whatever is in my future is pretty much ups for grabs. We'll see how my life will play along in the grand scheme of things.